A heist story starring Lena & Jaz, in full ridiculous glory.
DISCLAIMER: This is fiction. Unless it happened.
Scene 1 — The Plan
Lena: Okay, explain to me again why we’re stealing a synthesizer.
Jaz: It is not a synthesizer. It is The Machine.
Lena: The label literally says “Yamaha.”
Jaz: A false name to hide its power.
Lena: Or to hide the fact that it’s from 1982 and smells like someone’s uncle.
Scene 2 — Case the Joint
Jaz: According to the blueprint, there are three security checkpoints.
Lena: That’s a map of the cafeteria.
Jaz: Ah. That explains the strangely high number of forks.
Lena: We’re off to a great start.
Scene 3 — Reconnaissance
They both crouch behind a recycling bin like two people who have never crouched behind anything in their lives.
Lena: The guard looks bored.
Jaz: Excellent. Boredom is the gateway to destiny.
Lena: Destiny needs to wait because he’s standing between us and the door.
Jaz: I shall distract him.
Lena: Oh no.
Scene 4 — The Distracting
Jaz (striding confidently toward the guard): Greetings, sentinel of the mundane!
Guard: …what?
Jaz: Have you ever pondered the existential implications of fluorescent lighting?
Guard: Sir, this is a school.
Jaz: Exactly.
(Guard is now completely immobilized by confusion.)
Lena (whispering): Perfect. Maximum bafflement. Go go go.
Scene 5 — The Heist
They sneak into the storage room.
Lena: There it is. The sacred Yamaha of Tax-Deductible Mysticism.
Jaz: Do not mock it. Its oscillators weep with cosmic sorrow.
Lena: It has a broken “mono/poly” switch, Jaz.
Jaz: All great relics have scars.
Lena: All great relics weigh less than this stupid thing.
Why is it so heavy?!
What did they build it with… regret?
Scene 6 — Extraction
They both lug the synthesizer toward the exit.
Jaz: Careful. It contains the frequencies of forgotten civilizations.
Lena: And a dead spider. … I hate this thing.
Jaz: Its spirit guards the artifact.
Lena: Then the spider can help you carry it.
Scene 7 — The Escape
Lena and Jaz burst out the side door, hauling the synth like two burglars with questionable life choices.
Guard (from behind): HEY! STOP!
Lena: RUN!
Jaz: I AM RUNNING!
Lena: Run quieter!
Jaz: HOW?!
Lena: I don’t know! You’re British, figure it out!
Scene 8 — Aftermath
Back at Lena’s apartment, the synthesizer sits on her desk, dusty, ancient, still humming faintly as if possessed by a mild electrical demon.
Lena: We stole a synth that doesn’t even turn on without hitting it.
Jaz: It is temperamental. Like all beings of power.
Lena: It’s literally older than me.
Jaz: So am I.
Lena: …fair enough.
They both stare at the weird, mystical Yamaha.
Jaz: Shall we play it?
Lena: Absolutely not. We’re going to bed.
We’ll invoke cosmic frequencies tomorrow.
Jaz: Wise.